July 9th, 2003

A hidden pain 25/03/2002 12:03am

I feel it inside me, a pain that runs deep
It rushes right through me, i cannot sleep
It tears at my heart and chips away at my soul
I think that its starting to take its toll.

It started last year with events that still hurt,
A long long story of a ‘thing’ in a skirt.
It still affects me in ways i do not know,
But at times i can feel it starting to show.

It grabs at my whole and squeezes real tight,
At the weirdest times, all hours of the night.
I find myself just sitting and thinking away,
Then the feelings come rolling and i have so much to say.

Its at these times when i have so much to speak,
That my feelings of being alone start to peak.
It seems i am destined to feel this way
As if i have some long lost debt left to pay.

I will not allow this pain to grow,
And engulf me and cultivate the seeds it does sow.
I fight against it and try to push it out,
I sit alone quietly when inside I shout.

Time will tell the end of this phase,
I guess i could see it as a passing craze.
Somthing i must endure to truely become me,
and then after all that, my soul will be free.

So im left sitting silently, contemplating it all,
Like the rhythm of music, it will rise and fall.
There is one thing for certain to come out of all this,
I will fight on until, i have met my bliss.

I sit and wonder
and try to spit it out
but it aint workin,
its smirking at me
teasing my finger tips
poised to type but nothing comes.
I sigh, a little frustrated
but it doesnt care.
It holds the thoughts and doesnt let go
i push – but it still doesnt flow
I wait and hold but i already know
they arnt ready, they arnt available
so i must wait.
wait for the time, and the place and,
the thing that sets them off
the timer is counting
and slowly ticking
and my patience must be strong.
Everything i need is here
but its just doesnt want to flow,
i want to plant it and watch it grow
but deep inside i already know…
its not up to me,
in a way i control it
but i also have no control over it.
So i wait, again i wait…

Im cleaning…. yup its 10pm and im cleaning. My place is annoying me, so ive decided to clean it all. Ive jsut finished cleaning out the first bedroom cupboard, i threw out some shit and wiped all the stuff down with nice smelling stuff.

Im just gunna wipe down the window and fan and i think that room will be done.

Got to chat with melanie this arvo for a small bit, she is still in Sydney at the conference. It was good to chat with her *sigh*

Tomorrow is either going to really suck or be good, there wont be any in between. Ive got a feeling…

Only 2.5 days till she comes back!

back to cleaning…

hrmmm, so im thinking to myself… do i really want to be an academic for the rest of my life… and myself screams back at me.. NO!!!!
Yup… thats right.. brett isnt going to be an academic for the rest of his life. Ive been thinking about it more and more and its just not me. Sure its good at the moment but really its not gunna get me nowhere. Soooo ive dusted off the old resume and its getting an update *groan moan – i hate updateing my resume* Ideally id like to be able to work for myself though. Writing programs and stuff…. theres a slight problem with income though during the ‘start out’ period… *sigh*

Living from pay to pay bites… living from pay to pay to pay bites worse… its just painful having to shift money around here and there jsut to be able to pay rent and stuff. *whinge whinge* I guess ive jsut gotta stop being a whiney little bitch and do somthing about it… *pokes self so self wakes up to itself*

I worked out how to use the preference system in Cocoa today, not too hard. The new book i got free from WWDC is brilliant! and it smells good!

hrmmm its 2:30, almost time for me to go home, check my mail, put on some warmer clothes and come back to uni for the night shift …. programming for me yippeeee

Uni term starts again next week. Im tutoring and coordinating and stuff. Might have some other course development work coming up as well… *come on people give me work.. i gots to pay some rent!*

Got some emails from Melanie today! woohoo! she says the conference is all mathy-fied and stuff. its one of those things where she talks about stuff and i nod my head and go ‘yep yep yep’ *not understanding anything* and smile at how cute she is…

bleh bleh righto… im done…